False Pretenses

My chest hurts, head spins

Eyes sting with the dryness of tears unshed

My smile stays, hands wring

Heart numbs till I’m among the walking dead

I lie to everyone, everyday

I keep pushing through my day to day

I’m lost on this road

But I don’t want to find the way

I want to end….I am ready

Let me

Emotions, Control, and a New Year

(I was listening to this while writing this blog Fall Apart by Josh Wilson, Click on the link to listen to it while you read. Hope you enjoy!)

With the new year starting everyone is making their "New Years Resolutions." I have done this many times, and I don't think I've ever completed one. This year, I am taking a different approach. Instead of trying to meet a goal wait, or quit a bad habit, or learn something new, I am going to practice. My resolution, simply stated, is this... In the year 2012, I will practice controlling my emotions in the way that God would have me to do so, in hopes that at this time next year, I will control my emotions, instead of having my emotions control me.

In an attempt to figure out how to accomplish this goal, research was definitely in order. I had questions about why controlling emotions was important, and how am I supposed to control something like emotions... how can anyone control the way they feel? Well after reading some scriptures, articles, etc.. I learned a whole lot about emotions, feelings, and reactions. My first thought when I came up with this resolution was that I would just choose how to feel. Shouldn't be too hard... if I don't like how I feel about something, I'll change it.. or just not feel anything. I soon found out that didn't work. God gave us feelings and emotions for a reason. We feel because God feels. We have emotions because God has emotions. If we could just turn them off and not feel life would be dull. The first step, I learned, into controlling your emotions is to recognize first and foremost, the greatness of the God who gave them to us.


The logical next thought for me was that if God gave us emotions, how could they be bad... then I remembered how human I am, and how as a human I have the "talent" to make pretty much anything bad. So I reconsidered the next step and realized that the second step is to discern. To realize that some emotions and feelings I experience aren't Godly because I am not God. Sometimes these are referred to as 'true' and 'false' emotions. False emotions occur when one is not recognizing that God is in control of everything. For example, I may be anxious or worried about something in my life because I don't realize that God is in control of it. When I realize I am feeling this way I should stop and remember that God has a plan and is in control, and no matter how bad things may appear to be, I needn't be worried all the time.

 Once you've discerned... what's next? What happens after you feel happy, angry, sad... you react. The next step is to control your reaction. I don't know if one can control how they feel about things or the emotions that they have, but you can control your reaction to those feelings. If you feel angry, is it okay to scream and yell and hit things and thrash about like a crazy person.... the answer I'm hoping you all gave is no. (however, I am sure we have all had our share of tantrums... myself included). Sometimes it's not to hard to control a reaction to  an emotion, however we've all been in those situations where you just react without thinking and yell at someone or throw something or do something you regret (ps... if you're reading this and I have done any of these to you I am truly sorry). How do you control these knee jerk reactions? The answer, is practice. Practice, and prayer, and reading. Always growing in your walk, always learning. Constantly working on your relationship with God. Arm yourself with scriptures and prayer, and with time, it will become an easier battle.

When You're Putting on Your Makeup...

I know I titled this blog... "When Your Putting on Your Makeup" but, just to clarify, it is completely applicable to men as well as women.

Tonight I went to BCM (Baptist Campus Ministries) and we did a Bible study out of 1 Samuel Chapter 16. In this passage, God as called Samuel to travel to Bethlehem to find God's chosen king and anoint him. This new king is David, (THE DAVID... as in David who is known as a man after God's own heart). The current king, Saul, is very handsome but has not been leading the people the way God would have him to. The point of this blog isn't to give you a bible lesson though (however, this is an interesting passage that I suggest you read ) The point is to pick out a couple key verses and learn from them.

There was one verse that really struck a chord with me were 1 Samuel 16:7, which says "But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart."

 Let's look at verse 7. The Lord tells Samuel to not pay attention to outward appearance, for God doesn't see a man for what he looks like on the outside, but for the condition his heart is in. We are told all the time... "It's what's on the inside that counts" and "Don't judge a book by its cover" yet we spend hours working on our appearance..... we use false tanners, hair products out the wazzoo, makeup, clothes, jewlery, etc. Pretty much anything we can get out hands on to make our selves more attractive to the eye. And while we are doing this... we are forgetting to tend to the most important thing we have.... our heart.

I am guilty of this as well. I spend a lot of time on my physical appearance.... and while I do spend time working on my heart's appearance, when I am getting ready in the morning it's not what I'm thinking about. When I'm getting ready to go to school or work I am thinking about how to make myself look a certain way, and how to get my hair to do what I want it to, and what outfit am I going to wear, and how am I going to do my makeup. And while there is nothing wrong with looking your best, the heart needs to be the center piece of your appearance. You could be the most attractive person in the world... but if you have a blackened and crisp heart... what do you really have?

Now again, I'm not saying give up on personal hygiene.... I myself don't plan to just start rolling out of bed and forgoing my beauty routine... but I do plan to start setting aside time to talk to God and ensure that my heart is in the right place each and every day. I plan to spend a little less time trying to impress people by working on my physical appearance, and little more time trying to please God with my heart.

It Matters

One of the most annoying sayings to me is "I don't care what people think of me!" This saying has always gotten under my skin... now more than ever. I feel like the older I get, the more I realize that how people perceive you is important. What people think of you can affect you in so many ways. It can affect your reputation, getting a job, and anyone that you represent.

I for one am not too proud to say that I care what people think of me. If I am giving off the persona that I'm a slut, or a hateful person, etc...that's bad. That is something I don't want to do because I don't want people to think those things of me and the people that I represent... whether those people be my friends, people in organizations that I represent, etc. I don't want the bad name that I have made for myself negatively affect those around me.

So I watch my actions, my words, even my facebook posts. Believe it or not, people do read your facebook statuses and if you are on there swearing and talking about things that are vulgar and obscene then people who maybe don't know you extremely well or haven't seen you in a while will base their opinion on you of that. Is that right or fair.... probably not. But it happens and the bottom line is that it matters what people think. If people think poorly of you (people such as your friends, teachers, etc.) it could affect your personal and professional relationships. Reputation does matter and reputation is based a lot upon how people view you. So the next time you get mad and say "Well I don't care what people think of me...." think about how your apathy to the perception that others hold of you could affect you and those around you.

Love and Lust.... What's the Difference?

There's something that has really been weighing on my mind lately... and that is the difference between love and lust. At my age (and any age really), it's so hard to distinguish between genuine feelings for someone and a physical attraction. It would be so much easier if there were some easy way to tell the difference. Relationships wouldn't be risked, maybe less people would cheat on their spouse. But unfortunately there is no magic voice in your head telling you whether you are in lust or love. The two are really easy to confuse unless you know what key differences you're looking for.... and even then it's easy to get caught up in a relationship based on lust.

Let's look at some differences. Lust is selfish. In a relationship based only on lust you will more than likely care about your needs, wants, and desires more than the other person's. Lust is physical. It satisfies our senses.... not our emotional needs. It' is completely of the flesh. Love, on the other hand.... love is very different. While it is good to be physically attracted the the person you love  it is very different from lust. The best way I've heard this physical attracted described was by one of my friends husbands.... he said his wife became his definition of what beauty was. Notice he didn't use the word "hott".... but beauty. It has a completely different connotation. His wife was his definition of pure beauty. This is, I believe, is the physical attraction of love.

Now I know it's probably not worth much... but I'm gonna tell you a little about my experience with the whole lust versus love thing. Love, to me, is comfort. It isn't always this burning passion or steamy desire.... but a nice slow pace that you share
with someone. This is one of my favorite quotes describing love, "Love is a choice you make from moment to moment"- Barbara de Angelis. To some... this may make love seem cold and calculated. But I view this differently. It's not that I view loving as something I force myself to do or make myself choose... it's something I choose to keep working on. Because love, unlike lust, is not easy. It takes work and maintenance. It takes laughing and crying, holding hands, fighting and forgiving. It takes time and patience, and most of all it takes a commitment. Lust requires none of these things. And
that is the biggest difference.

Blessings

 When you're healthy and happy, it's easy to praise God, it's easy to be happy and fulfilled in Him. When things go from bad to good, it's also easy to credit God.
But what about when things aren't so good.... When you lose your job, you mom, your spouse, your home. When you are broken beyond belief it becomes difficult to be grateful. When you have fallen so far down that that bright light you use to feel, now just looks like a flash light in the distance. We start becoming discontented and unhappy. Some (myself included), might even be angry with, or even blame God. But Why?

I am one of the worst for this. When I am feeling good, and things are good, and moneys good, and family's good, and school is good I'm happy. I am happy that God is "blessing" me. I had adopted the warped view that a blessing is always something that I want. I have come to realize that this is not always the case. Yes, we should feel happy and blessed when life is good and we should thank God for those blessings.But sometimes blessings come in interesting ways. A blessing can come in you or
a loved one getting sick, losing a job, doubting, needing. I know, I know.... some of you all are sitting there shaking your head at the screen right now thinking "How is my mother having cancer, or my husband losing his job, or my child flunking out of school, or doubting my own faith ever a blessing." Well let's think about that... shall we?

Think about the hardest times in your life... whatever they may be. I know for me, the hardest time in my life was, and still is, battling an eating disorder. The day to day struggle of wondering when I get out of bed, will I like or hate what I see. Will I want to run to the bathroom and puke after I get dressed in the morning, or will I be okay..... Will I be able to live hating myself today or will I just go back to bed. I have found myself depressed, scared, hurt, and angry. Angry with myself for not fitting into the mold I have created in my mind, and also angry with God. Angry that this battle was in his plan for me. Still... I know many of you are wondering,"How can this be a blessing"

I have found... struggling more lately with things than I have for a while, that when I struggle, I feel a need for God. Not saying that I don't feel a need for God when things in my life are going amazingly because I do. I constantly need God. But the feeling of needing God to get me out of bed and through the day on a regular basis, the feeling of being utterly dependent on him because I know that I don't have the power to make myself happy or better, that's the feeling I'm referring to. When we are doing
good it's so easy to say, "Thanks God, I appreciate it." But when we are hurting, when we are depressed... this is when we feel the need for something more to get us through. I believe that this need shows God's glory. Therefore, it is a blessing. If I know, and feel that I need God to make it through each day, then I find that that need causes me to have more communication with him. More than just a thanks... but conversations. I find that I feel His presence more when I am hurting. And though I still struggle and find myself feeling sparks of anger towards God for the problems I face, I also am learning to feel grateful. To know that the rock bottom I've hit so many times, is really not rock bottom at all, but the hand of God catching me at the perfect moment.

Please...

Please don’t forget me,

  when it’s done and you’ve moved on.

Please remember us,

  although your new lover sings you new songs.

Please keep me in your thoughts,

  even if it’s in the deepest, darkest part.

Please hold on to me,

 in the corners of your heart.

 - Randi Payne 9/8/2011