Please...

Please don’t forget me,

  when it’s done and you’ve moved on.

Please remember us,

  although your new lover sings you new songs.

Please keep me in your thoughts,

  even if it’s in the deepest, darkest part.

Please hold on to me,

 in the corners of your heart.

 - Randi Payne 9/8/2011

This One's For the Girls

        Hanging out with a friend the other night the topic of, "Why do some girls act the way the do?" came up. That question was never really answered. It is a complete mystery why girls think that it is attractive to run around in barely there clothes, drunk to the point you can barely walk, and hang over every guy around. I've asked a few guys this, and yes, they do find these girls attractive. They are girls who they would sleep with, have one night stands with, and call for late night sex. These are not the girls they would invite home to meet the family, marry, develop lasting relationships with. This was the consensus I got from most guys (not all).
         This could just be the way I was raised, or the fact that I'm not one of these types of "girls," but I just don't get it. I understand that it is probably much easier to go after a girl who is plastered in a dress that doesn't cover her butt or boobs, than it is to go after the nice girl in the corner who you can talk to for hours and laugh endlessly with, but who won't give it up that easy. However, as a woman, I would much rather be with a guy who could look past all the "glamour" there apparently is about these types of girls and realize that right in front of him is a good woman. Someone he isn't ashamed to be seen with outside of a party, someone who he can hold a conversation, someone who he can bring home to meet his mom and she won't be concerned that her son needs to be tested for an STD.
          If I ever had a son, I would teach him these things, when he's old enough. I would teach him that there is a very beg difference between a girl you can have a good time with, and a girl who is just a good time. I would want him to find a girl who he could bring home me to meet me, and I would be comfortable letting him go.
          I realize that at this point in my life, girls like me are not in high demand. We won't sleep with you on the first date (maybe not even after the first 100 dates), we won't be your "booty call" in the middle of the night, and we won't be quiet about our opinions, because unlike the girls some of you guys are going for (not all of you), we have a brain and we know how to use it. I consider myself lucky to be a lady. I consider myself blessed to not be a notch in the bed post for x number of guys. I consider myself proud to be able to say I am not, nor will I ever be, one of these girls in the skimpy outfits and 9 inch heels, smelling like booze and bad perfume, stumbling out of some guys apartment as the sun is rising....a guy who won't care about me 2 weeks from now. Because what I'll have in the long run, things like a family, a loving husband, and a good reputation, are so much more important than being the object of desire for some drunk guy at a party.
           And for the girls who fit the description I gave.... please wisen up. Use the brain that god gave you, put on some clothes, get a degree, and meet a guy who wants you for more than sex. Because you deserve a guy who treats you well. Every woman does.

If I kept a Diary...

      I figured, hey; why not share a little snippet from what would be a page from my diary if I actually kept one. Tonight, I would be writing about what I’m afraid of. Anyone reading this who actually knows me would say ants.... and while that may be very true, tonight I am digging a little deeper than that. There are a plethora of other things that scare me; failure, death, losing a loved one. But tonight one thing in particular weighs on my mind..... being forgotten.

     When I say being forgotten, I don’t mean in the legacy sense. I am quite aware that one day, my own relatives won’t remember me... that doesn’t bother me. It’s being forgotten now. It’s people forgetting what I once meant to them, and what they once meant to me. It’s not looking at someone and remembering every detail of every special moment that we shared. It’s fading into the back of someone’s mind, until they’ve all but erased you from it. That is what scares me most.

      I’m not saying that I want these people who I have, at one point or another, felt particularly close to, to think of my constantly. However, it would be comforting to know that there are occasional thoughts, memories if you will, of how good those relationships used to be. It stings the most, though, to begin to realize someone has forgotten you, when that person still weighs on your mind nearly every day. It’s natural to want to be remembered after you’re gone, but I am finding that I am much more concerned with being remembered and thought of while here. However this fear has caused me to realize that, unfortunately, this is not the case. Death doesn’t cause people to forget a person, its distance. Distance that can occur because of death, because of an argument, unfavorable circumstances, poor timing, or any reason really. I have found that those I have become distant with, they forget, I forget.... and I don’t know how okay I am with that.

Well... For what it’s worth... that’s what would have been written in my diary tonight if I actually kept one.

This One's For You

This is for
  when times get hard
  when your heart breaks
  and my arms are too far
These words are for you
   when you feel weak
   when you can't go on
   and I'm out of reach
Take these words
   and read them when you're blue
   Oh, my sweet baby
   this one's for you...

Something, Anything

Say something, anything
  this silence is killing me
But you just stare right through me
  keeping quiet

Do something, anything
   I hate standing still
But you're feet are cemented
   you're not moving

Well maybe this is for the best
  after all, what would we say, what would we do
We'd just talk and walk in circles
   not saying anything, not doing anything.

Gone and Lost

Gone and Lost

I thought that if I held on tight enough you’d never leave

But still you managed to slip through my fingers

Now we talk but don’t ever say anything

And your memories how they linger

I tried to keep you close to me

By keeping you in my head

But now you’ve gone so far away

There are others in your bed

I still hold on to memories

Nights I wished would never end

I keep your picture  burned in my brain

But now I can’t pretend

That I have moved on at all

Because I hold onto your ghost

But that too is fading with every night

Until you’ll be gone and lost

Slow Poison...

         So for those of you who don't know... I enjoy looking at quotes. Especially when I am feeling a little down. I woke up this morning not in the best of moods so I turn on the computer and look at some inspirational quotes for a little pick me up. I come across one quote that really makes me think. That quote was, "Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head."
-- Ann Landers.
        I realized today how true this was. I had let certain individuals consume my thoughts for the past couple months thinking that it would do something for me and to them. But I was wrong. I had allowed these people to get under my skin and worm there way to my heart and sadden it. My resentment slowly consumed me until I began constantly waking up in bad moods and feeling unsure of myself to the point of crying myself to sleep at nights. Well enough is enough... No more rent-free space in my head. Today I decided to try to "evict" resentment from my mind.
         We may think, (or at least I know I do), that somehow all this resentment that we feel makes the person we feel it for miserable. This is most certainly not the case. In my experiences, those people I resent couldn't care less that I harbored ill will towards them. My resentment didn't affect their daily lives. They weren't any less happy because in the back of my mind I resented them for something they had done to me. So while I pretend that my resentment caused them some sort of grief, it was actually slowly eating away at my spirit. I became miserable with doubt and moodiness that I couldn't explain. I just knew that I didn't feel good.
        So I figured, why should I put myself through this. I'm not making them care that they hurt me. All I am doing is hurting myself. So I decided enough is enough. Now I know that resentment will still get the best of me from time to time, but hopefully not as often. Instead of harboring harsh feelings toward the people who have hurt me, I have instead decided to pray for them. Pray for them and our situation. Anything that my resentment of people that hurt me could possible do is more than dismal compared to what could happen by putting the situation in God's hands and letting Him have complete control.