This One's For the Girls

        Hanging out with a friend the other night the topic of, "Why do some girls act the way the do?" came up. That question was never really answered. It is a complete mystery why girls think that it is attractive to run around in barely there clothes, drunk to the point you can barely walk, and hang over every guy around. I've asked a few guys this, and yes, they do find these girls attractive. They are girls who they would sleep with, have one night stands with, and call for late night sex. These are not the girls they would invite home to meet the family, marry, develop lasting relationships with. This was the consensus I got from most guys (not all).
         This could just be the way I was raised, or the fact that I'm not one of these types of "girls," but I just don't get it. I understand that it is probably much easier to go after a girl who is plastered in a dress that doesn't cover her butt or boobs, than it is to go after the nice girl in the corner who you can talk to for hours and laugh endlessly with, but who won't give it up that easy. However, as a woman, I would much rather be with a guy who could look past all the "glamour" there apparently is about these types of girls and realize that right in front of him is a good woman. Someone he isn't ashamed to be seen with outside of a party, someone who he can hold a conversation, someone who he can bring home to meet his mom and she won't be concerned that her son needs to be tested for an STD.
          If I ever had a son, I would teach him these things, when he's old enough. I would teach him that there is a very beg difference between a girl you can have a good time with, and a girl who is just a good time. I would want him to find a girl who he could bring home me to meet me, and I would be comfortable letting him go.
          I realize that at this point in my life, girls like me are not in high demand. We won't sleep with you on the first date (maybe not even after the first 100 dates), we won't be your "booty call" in the middle of the night, and we won't be quiet about our opinions, because unlike the girls some of you guys are going for (not all of you), we have a brain and we know how to use it. I consider myself lucky to be a lady. I consider myself blessed to not be a notch in the bed post for x number of guys. I consider myself proud to be able to say I am not, nor will I ever be, one of these girls in the skimpy outfits and 9 inch heels, smelling like booze and bad perfume, stumbling out of some guys apartment as the sun is rising....a guy who won't care about me 2 weeks from now. Because what I'll have in the long run, things like a family, a loving husband, and a good reputation, are so much more important than being the object of desire for some drunk guy at a party.
           And for the girls who fit the description I gave.... please wisen up. Use the brain that god gave you, put on some clothes, get a degree, and meet a guy who wants you for more than sex. Because you deserve a guy who treats you well. Every woman does.

If I kept a Diary...

      I figured, hey; why not share a little snippet from what would be a page from my diary if I actually kept one. Tonight, I would be writing about what I’m afraid of. Anyone reading this who actually knows me would say ants.... and while that may be very true, tonight I am digging a little deeper than that. There are a plethora of other things that scare me; failure, death, losing a loved one. But tonight one thing in particular weighs on my mind..... being forgotten.

     When I say being forgotten, I don’t mean in the legacy sense. I am quite aware that one day, my own relatives won’t remember me... that doesn’t bother me. It’s being forgotten now. It’s people forgetting what I once meant to them, and what they once meant to me. It’s not looking at someone and remembering every detail of every special moment that we shared. It’s fading into the back of someone’s mind, until they’ve all but erased you from it. That is what scares me most.

      I’m not saying that I want these people who I have, at one point or another, felt particularly close to, to think of my constantly. However, it would be comforting to know that there are occasional thoughts, memories if you will, of how good those relationships used to be. It stings the most, though, to begin to realize someone has forgotten you, when that person still weighs on your mind nearly every day. It’s natural to want to be remembered after you’re gone, but I am finding that I am much more concerned with being remembered and thought of while here. However this fear has caused me to realize that, unfortunately, this is not the case. Death doesn’t cause people to forget a person, its distance. Distance that can occur because of death, because of an argument, unfavorable circumstances, poor timing, or any reason really. I have found that those I have become distant with, they forget, I forget.... and I don’t know how okay I am with that.

Well... For what it’s worth... that’s what would have been written in my diary tonight if I actually kept one.

This One's For You

This is for
  when times get hard
  when your heart breaks
  and my arms are too far
These words are for you
   when you feel weak
   when you can't go on
   and I'm out of reach
Take these words
   and read them when you're blue
   Oh, my sweet baby
   this one's for you...

Something, Anything

Say something, anything
  this silence is killing me
But you just stare right through me
  keeping quiet

Do something, anything
   I hate standing still
But you're feet are cemented
   you're not moving

Well maybe this is for the best
  after all, what would we say, what would we do
We'd just talk and walk in circles
   not saying anything, not doing anything.

Gone and Lost

Gone and Lost

I thought that if I held on tight enough you’d never leave

But still you managed to slip through my fingers

Now we talk but don’t ever say anything

And your memories how they linger

I tried to keep you close to me

By keeping you in my head

But now you’ve gone so far away

There are others in your bed

I still hold on to memories

Nights I wished would never end

I keep your picture  burned in my brain

But now I can’t pretend

That I have moved on at all

Because I hold onto your ghost

But that too is fading with every night

Until you’ll be gone and lost

Slow Poison...

         So for those of you who don't know... I enjoy looking at quotes. Especially when I am feeling a little down. I woke up this morning not in the best of moods so I turn on the computer and look at some inspirational quotes for a little pick me up. I come across one quote that really makes me think. That quote was, "Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head."
-- Ann Landers.
        I realized today how true this was. I had let certain individuals consume my thoughts for the past couple months thinking that it would do something for me and to them. But I was wrong. I had allowed these people to get under my skin and worm there way to my heart and sadden it. My resentment slowly consumed me until I began constantly waking up in bad moods and feeling unsure of myself to the point of crying myself to sleep at nights. Well enough is enough... No more rent-free space in my head. Today I decided to try to "evict" resentment from my mind.
         We may think, (or at least I know I do), that somehow all this resentment that we feel makes the person we feel it for miserable. This is most certainly not the case. In my experiences, those people I resent couldn't care less that I harbored ill will towards them. My resentment didn't affect their daily lives. They weren't any less happy because in the back of my mind I resented them for something they had done to me. So while I pretend that my resentment caused them some sort of grief, it was actually slowly eating away at my spirit. I became miserable with doubt and moodiness that I couldn't explain. I just knew that I didn't feel good.
        So I figured, why should I put myself through this. I'm not making them care that they hurt me. All I am doing is hurting myself. So I decided enough is enough. Now I know that resentment will still get the best of me from time to time, but hopefully not as often. Instead of harboring harsh feelings toward the people who have hurt me, I have instead decided to pray for them. Pray for them and our situation. Anything that my resentment of people that hurt me could possible do is more than dismal compared to what could happen by putting the situation in God's hands and letting Him have complete control.

Worry Worry Worry.....

        I was talking to an old friend today trying to decide what to write about and he brought up worry. As soon as the word worry caught my eye I immediately started to think of things I was worrying about. Then it hit me that is what I spend a good bit of my time doing.
       Worry, worry, worry. Everyone does it, some more than others. I know I worry way to much. I worry about things I've done in the past, I worry about what's to come in the future, I worry about way too much. This seems to be the case for a lot of people I know as well. There always seems to be a conversation around me that is someone worrying about something that has happened or is going to happen.
        I recently read this book called Sati (it's really good and I highly suggest you read it), and one quote really stuck out to me when I read it. This same quote immediately starting running through my head when I started writing this. "But in the present there are no worries or anxieties. The present is always filled with joy and love. If you were to live fully in the moment for only a moment, the stress and strain of your entire life would be washed away." (Sati, Christopher Pike)
        Let's go ahead and pick this quote apart a little. It points out that in the present there are no worries. Now I realize this isn't always the case.... if its 11:50 and you have a project due at midnight you might wanna worry. But in most cases when we find ourselves fretting... is there really anything pressing you need to be worrying about. If the answer to this question is "no" then my advice... let it go. I'm sure it will be there to worry about later.
        Sati then goes on to say that the present is always filled with joy and love. I am aware the present is not always filled with joy and love... at least not for me. I'm angry sometimes and sad. But when I truly think about it, why am I not more joyful. I have a good family, wonderful friends, a nice place to live, and an awesome God. My life is awesome; I should be swimming in joy and love. Unfortunately, most of the time, this is not the case. I find that I'm too consumed in my worries and my stress to be able to just be still and let the joy and love that surrounds me fill my soul. I challenge myself and anyone reading this to, the next time you fill worried, just stop and be still. Let yourself take in the beauty and love that surrounds you, whatever it may be, and just embrace it.
        The last part of this passage is what stuck with me the most....If you were to live fully in the moment for only a moment, the stress and strain of your entire life would be washed away. When I was reading this I remember thinking, when is the last time I did that. And you know what, I couldn't think of one. I couldn't think of a single time I allowed myself to be fully lost in a moment. Not one single instance where I truly let go of worry and doubt and just lost myself in happiness. It's crazy because I long to for that feeling of just living for the moment without worry or regret, but I never actually do it.
         So I ask you (and myself), is what we're currently worrying about really that important at this moment. Is that thing that is stressing you out worth missing a moment of happiness? It probably isn't... so just let it go for ten or fifteen minutes and allow yourself to be fully happy with no worries. And I promise you... that thing that your worrying about will still be there to worry you later.

Reaction to Thirteen Reasons Why

         I just finished a book called "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher. In short, the book is a dual narrated story about a girl names Hannah Baker. The story is seen through the eyes of both Clay Jensen and Hannah. Clay  comes home from school to a box containing several cassette tapes recorded by Hannah who had committed suicide two weeks earlier. Hannah explains that there are thirteen reasons for her suicide, and if you receive the tapes, you are one of them. Clay follows Hannah's story through their town to try to figure out what happened, and where he fits in.
        Now if anyone reading this knows me, you'll know I read a lot, but this particular book struck a chord with me. In an attempt to not totally ruin this book for you, I won't go too much into what happens. This story takes place while the characters are in high school. This is a tough time in life, especially for young woman. The pressures to look and be your best are always on. Hannah is a wonderful example of a perfectly nice girl who cracked under the pressures of high school. Hannah explains that, all the individual events that led to her suicide were intricately related in, what she calls, a "snowball effect." For example, one guy starts a rumor that she's easy her freshman year, which leads to her being objectified in this way throughout her entire high school career. Hannah makes sure that that first person on the tape realizes that had it not been for his little stories, the rest of the events may not have taken place at all. Hannah's story, although not true, represents the stories of so many people (not just girls). Unfortunately, it is no secret that suicide does happen. For people ages 15-24 suicide is the third leading cause of death.
        I am quite aware that suicide, especially the suicide of young people, is an uncomfortable subject. Hannah points this out by sharing her experience in trying to secretively bring it up in class. And it is, suicide is a very uncomfortable topic, but I strongly believe it's one worth discussing. I know so many people who, all though they may not have attempted suicide, considered it in some way. Unfortunately, there were those who no one really knew was considering it who are no longer with us today.
      That's what makes it so sticky. Many of us don't want to admit we've been hurt or depressed to the point where ending it has crossed our minds, but maybe admitting it is the first step to dealing with it. I know, I know.... I sound like an advertisement for a suicide hotline. But I'm not asking for anyone to divulge there secrets to me... I'm just asking you to think.  Think about whether or not you know someone who has had these thoughts. Think about whether or not you've had these thoughts. Think about how you treat people. And just plain think.
        Hannah points out so many times through her story that if even one of the people on these tapes had thought about how their words or actions would have affected her, maybe they would have reconsidered. So let's all, myself included, think about what we are saying to someone and how it could affect their life. Let's consider that we don't know the struggles those around us face. Everyone has inner demons that we are ignorant of, from the stranger passing us on the street, to our best friend. Everyone has struggles that are their own. And maybe it's our rude comment or harsh judgement, mixed with clinical depression, a bad home life, lack of self esteem, a bad grade, and an undeserved reputation that can push a person to his or her limit.
           So here's a challenge, tomorrow, when you get the urge to say something not so nice to someone, anyone....don't. Instead do the exact opposite. Say something nice, do something kind. Kind words and gestures carry more weight than we know. They give people hope..... and if you listen to Hannah throughout her story, you'll realize that a little hope was all it would have taken to pull her back.

Couldn't Have Happened Any Other Way

       There are many theories and questions that revolve around two little words.... "What if?" What if I had done this or not done this. People, myself included, spend way too much of their lives dwelling on these two small words. I know for myself, I wonder what would have happened if I had acted out.... done things differently. What if I had picked a different college, a different major, different friends.... there are so many questions that just lead to more questions. My life would be much less complicated if it were illegal to put 'What' and 'If' together in a sentence.
        Please don't take this out of context, I am completely content with my life.... but what if I had made other choices, would I be discontent, would I be just as happy as I am now.... maybe I'd be happier. I spend way too much time dwelling on these things... as I am sure many other people do as well... Can I get an Amen? I have found it easier to live by this philosophy.... It couldn't have happened any other way?
        I still wonder and fantasize about what my life would be like if I had chosen option b or c... instead of option a, however, I have come through my faith to truly believe that everything happens with a set purpose, at a set time, for set reasons. I don't believe that I always know these reasons... although I wish so badly that I did. However, holding this belief has made it easier to get through the day without looking down and thinking about my What if's and If only's.
         Not only does it make me able to go through the day with a few less curiosities, it also gives me a sense of purpose. I was put here FOR A REASON, as were you and everyone else in the world. What is that reason.... I'm not sure yet, but it will be a lot easier to find out if I'm not constantly wondering what could have happened if my life had taken a different route.

         Lately I've been thinking a lot about love. What is it, why do we need it, and why does it cause so much trouble. At first the answers seemed simple.... Love is wanting the best for someone else, we need it because as humans we want to be needed, and it causes so much trouble because we, in our human nature, somehow manage to complicate something so simple. Then I dug a little deeper.

         Keep in mind the following are all just my opinions on the topic, and amateur opinions at that. Being only twenty, my experiences would be much different from someone who is older than me. First I'm going to tackle what love is. I find myself turning to 1 Corinthians 13: 5 ~ "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." This definition, I believe, is the best definition of love out there. Even for non-Christians, this paints a beautiful picture of what love should be and how we should portray it. This is also how we all want people to love us, whether it be a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, etc. We ALL want to be selfessly loved, even when we have done wrong.

        This leads me to the next question; Why do we need love? We crave love from those around us, myself included. We want love, and approval and affection from everyone. From our parents, spouses, even our pets..... But why. Why is it so important. That is a question that I myself have no solid answer for. I believe that the answers lie within our needs. As much as we deny it we do NEED it to feel satisfied. We were designed to be loved and to love, therefore the yearning to feel loved is bred into us from birth. No way around it. 

         But if the need is there, shouldn't it be natural and easy to love unconditionally? WRONG. This is not easy. Of course the words are easy to say, "I love you no matter what" and "Nothing you could do would make me stop loving you." Most of us have probably heard and said these words or something like them to someone, but did we mean them. Where is that person now, do you still love them in an unconditional manner. I know I have said that in the past and those people mean very little to my life now, (I am very ashamed to admit that but it's true). It's hard to love someone unconditionally, complicated. But WHY. The answer is simple; because we are human. Because of our pride and various other imperfections it is difficult to love unconditionally. We try and try but anger, arguments, and pride prevent us from loving all people unconditionally. Sad but true.

          Well if it's so hard should we even bother. Of course! Love is an awesome thing, and although we haven't perfected it, our attempts at showing it are beautiful and wonderful.  Well, there's my thoughts on that topic...
For What It's Worth.